Don't give up giving up!

I didn't want to jump on the band wagon of Stoptober so waited until it ended. Its my view that you will give up when you want to, not when a month of the year happens to sound right!

I feel we should all be sat in a room together and I stand up and say 'My name is Kirstie and I haven't had a cigarette for 10 weeks'. You, of course, would all clap. Hmmm, it might be 11 weeks actually, can't remember. But anyway I have given up. Finally.

I started smoking when I was 13. I was bullied badly at school and desperately wanted to fit in. Smoking seemed the way to go. In hindsight all that did was make them use me for fags, and still bully me. It was so much easier to get fags back then, cheaper too. Lots of adults I knew smoked so I could always sneak a few from them too. By the time I left school I was a proper smoker.

Fast forward quite a few years and at 28 I found out I pregnant. I gave up straight away and stayed off them for 5 years. But then I returned to my career which was quite stressful and after a few months I was smoking again.

Now the years between age 28 and now (40) have been hellish for me. Even my doctors told me they wouldn't try to talk me into giving up as they could understand that it wasn't the right time for me. Then I get told I have additional medical problems, a suspected tumour at the base of my brain and an extremely high risk of cardiac problems. Whilst they didn't tell me to give up, they did advise that smoking was really bad for me right now. NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!

As with most people, I have tried to give up numerous times since Ecigs have appeared but I've never got on with them. I would use them alongside smoking for a week or so and then forget about them. So this time I tried to figure out why they didn't work for me.

I first tried the ecigs that looked like real cigarettes, cigalikes. When ecigs first appeared that was the only option. I spent a fortune trying out different ones but none worked for me. They just weren't close enough to smoking. I have now discovered that they are renouned for being crap! They do have their benefits though and you need to work out what is best for you. Cigalikes are the easiest ecigs to use, there is no faffing about with liquids and coil changes. However you are unlikely to get the 'hit' you need to make it feel like you are smoking. By 'hit' I mean the feeling of smoking hitting the back of your throat. Maybe if you have only been smoking silk cut then this wouldn't be an issue for you, but for me it was so they just couldn't replace smoking real fags.

So next I moved on to the tank systems. Slightly more complicated but still fairly easy with the added bonus of lots of flavour liquids to use. Again I spent a fortune on buying different makes of these. I usually got bored, stopped using them and then lost bits of them. At this point I was only using menthol liquid as I didn't like the idea of flavours. Different makes offer different levels of 'hit'. Its down to personal preference what you like or dislike. There were a couple that I found ok, but I just couldn't get my head around smoking this big heavy thing that wasn't really anything like a fag. There was no way I was going to use them to replace smoking.

I needed to figure out how to stop. My OH gave up 18 months ago using the tank system ecigs. He still uses one now but with 0% nicotine liquid. He recently bought a new make of ecig which was HUGE. I tried it and it was a definite no go for me. But it did make me realise that was the issue ..... none of the tank systems were the size of real cigarettes and none of the cigalikes gave enough throat hit. I needed to find something in between.

I hit google and researched. An hour or so later I had found what I was looking for ..... but did I really want to spend yet more money on something that might not work?! I decided that it was worth a try ... I had done the thinking, I had done the research, if this didnt work then nothing would. So I bought them.... The Cigma Vape Slim starter pack. The smallest tank system ecig. Only slightly larger than a standard cigarette.

It arrived super quick and I started using it alongside smoking. And OMG it worked! Over 2 or 3 weeks I cut down on the real fags and relied on the Cigma. When I finally stopped the real fags the Cigma was hardly ever out of my mouth! I am much less reliant on it now thankfully. 

Whilst I love my Cigma, its not perfect and it wouldn't be for everyone. Its way too small and delicate for my OH plus he wouldn't have the patience to refill and change the battery more often. I only get the perfect 'hit' if the battery is fully charged but its bearable up to about 1/4 charge. The battery life is good and although the tank is small, its still holds enough. I guess its all subject to how much you use it. 

I can't see me using any other ecig but my Cigma. But what I am getting at is that you need to find your perfect ecig. Don't be disheartened if one, two or more tries fail. I really couldn't begin to count how many I tried. At least 6 or 7 different makes, probably more. Each time you fail, think about why that one didn't work for you. What didn't you like about it? Do you research. Go to a vape shop and try out different brands. You can and will find one which works for you.

I also suggest you think about the liquid you use. I always stuck to menthol. I didn't want tobacco as I would find that too much of a reminder of smoking. I didn't think I would like all the flavours so avoided them, plus I didn't want to waste money on the liquid if I found I didn't like it. Then I accidentally came across an online liquid shop that changed all that. The one pound eliquid shop is fantastic. As the name suggests all the liquids are only £1 each. Delivery is cheap and very quick. There are loads of flavours and they are UK based. Myself and my OH now try out random flavours, if we don't like them we don't mind throwing them away or mixing them with others. My go to flavour now is cherry menthol, but made myself rather than buying the pre mixed one as i find it tastes better. There are some really random flavours as well as the usual ones. Try it, you might find it makes a difference. The sweet flavours make me want to vape rather than smoke ..... bonus!

I hope that helps somebody. Fingers crossed I never go back and I hope you can join me in being smoke free.

TTFN

K

Advice in case you ever need to buy an engagement ring!

My OH and I got engaged in December last year. We went out together to chose a ring. We didn't have much spare cash but knew it had to be something I really liked seeing as I had to wear it for many years. It took a while but we found one I loved at a price we could afford. Here is it ..... and yes, the stones are fake!

Now, I'm the sort of person who never takes her jewelry off. I buy gold or silver (am allergic to anything else) and then wear it until I lose it or I break up with the man its related to! Which leads me to my top piece of advice about choosing an engagement ring ....... Think carefully about what you are going to put that ring through! If you are sensible and take your rings off if you are washing up, doing DIY, moving house etc then its not such an issue for you to get something delicate. However if you are like me and it doesn't occur to you to take it off then you need to buy something a little more sturdy. 

This ring last me 4 months.

It may have lasted slightly longer if 1. I hadn't move house 2. my OH hadn't managed to squash my left hand between the a door and a fridge and 3. I hadn't then let my OH and his granddad try to 'mend' the ring.

After the hand / door / fridge incident (and after the swelling had gone down) I removed the ring to find it looking like this...... 

We couldn't get it straight (or round as the case maybe) with any tools we had at home so my OH asked his granddad if he had any tools which would do it. And off they went to the workshop. After about 30 minutes my OH comes back in looking sheepish. He said the good news was that it was now slightly rounder. But the bad news was this ......

Most of the stones around the edges were gone. SIGH.

I should have taken it back to the shop when it first got bent. Its now just sat in a drawer as a reminder never to let OH and his 97 year old granddad touch my ring again!! 

So a new engagement ring was required. As we had started planning the wedding we thought we would get an engagement ring to match our 'theme'. We are getting married outside in woodland and, at that time, planned to have bark effect wedding rings as a memento of this. So I started to look for an engagement ring with a woodland feel. I found and bought this ...... 

Its not easy to capture on camera but the base is a silver cast of a leaf. In person you can see all its little veins. I thought this purchase through a little more and had more of a budget. Its silver and thicker so is stronger than the previous one. And I am happy to report it has lasted 7 months with no damage.  I still wear it no matter what I am doing .... in fact because of my weight gain, it doesn't come off anyway! 

But thats not the end of my saga, or my advice.

I bought the ring on Etsy. It was listed as an engagement or promise ring. I presumed that meant she made a wedding ring to match it. NEVER PRESUME!! I emailed her last month to ask which of her rings is the wedding ring to go with this one. She kindly took some pics of my ring alongside wedding style bands that she made. It looked horrendous with every one. She could offer me no other options ..... it seems she has never been asked for a wedding ring to go with it.

I spent a while searching Etsy to find rings I thought would match. Due to the thickness of the engagement ring I thought I would need something thin so not to overwhelm my little fingers. Then my sensible head kicks in and says 'why not go and try some rings on in town so you know what looks ok with it'. Great idea! Well, maybe a great idea if I wasn't agoraphobic!!  I did manage to pop in to one shop with the OH and try a few on. NOTHING matches it. I tried all different thicknesses, I tried little patterned ones, I tried everything they had really. It is not a ring that can be worn with another ring. SHIT.

So next bit of advice. Make sure it will look ok next to a wedding ring!

I think I am going to get a wedding ring which is a little elaborate so will look ok on its own. I will then wear my engagement ring on my right hand. That said, I would like my wedding ring to be yellow gold and I would feel uneasy with then having a silver ring on my right hand, so maybe a third engagement ring is in order!!

Either way I am spending HOURS on Etsy each night. Soooooooooo many lovely rings, so few fingers. Oh and my OH has decided he is having a Damascus ring instead of bark effect. It makes sense as its stronger and it looks a lot nicer. However that means I no longer have to worry about finding matching rings so am free to choose what I like ........ this may take some time.

TTFN

K x 

Friends and Family ..... Do we need them?!

Todays post comes from a mix of 2 things. Firstly I read an article today about people with BPD and friends ..... anyone with BPD will understand what a minefield that is. Secondly is because this time next year I would have just got married so we have recently been discussing guest lists.

My OH is neurotypical. He has never had any mental health problems. The things he has coped with in his life amazes me ..... the things that have got me sectioned, he would just takes in his stride. Don't get me wrong, he has had situational depression such as when his wife died but his mental health has remained fully in tact. We have many things in common and one of the main ones is our dislike of people! My reason for this is without doubt the BPD. His reason is just people most people annoy him!

This made writing our guest list very easy. As few people as possible. At first it was 12 with the possibility of it being 15 if people brought a plus one. Then his eldest daughter decided she wasn't coming so that's her and our granddaughter off the list taking it down to 10 with the chance of 2 plus ones.

My OH has found it difficult to explain to his family that they are not invited. In fact he hasn't actually told them yet, just warned them that it will be small so not everyone will be invited. Luckily his dad and sister are similar to him so will understand. His mum might be a little put out but she will get over it.

I've not even told my family that we have booked the wedding. Close isn't a word I would use to describe us. They wont be shocked to hear they are not invited.

I have to admit that I don't think I feel the same towards my family as most people feel towards theirs. I have no idea if this is BPD related or not. It would be very easy for me to blame them for us not being close but I don't think blame will help anyone. I feel I am seen as the black sheep of the family ..... but I suspect it is the BPD that makes me feel that way. Both my mum and dad have remarried and I do not get along with either of their partners. They are nice enough people I guess, I just don't like them. But I feel that way about most people to be fair!

I have one amazingly close friend. At the moment we are going through a stage of hardly talking. We do that. We have a year when we do everything together and talk every day and then a year of hardly talking at all, maybe one message a month to check we are alive! I know, without any doubt at all, she would drop everything if I needed her. I have never feared her abandoning me and I have never felt jealous about other friends or men in her life. I think she has made it so clear that she understands and that she is here to stay that I have no reason to doubt her.

I am also very close to my 'fairy god daughter' (I am not religious so refused to be her god mother on principle). Her mother was my best mate for 15 years. My god daughter says she was brought up by her mum and me. Unfortunately her mother let me down and we lost our friendship. However I have stayed close to my fairy god daughter and she will be at the wedding. On a side note, after a few years of not talking, her mother and I are now on speaking terms but will never be close again.

That's it though. My grand total of 2 friends, one of which is more a daughter than a friend. Over the years there have been many people who I have called friends but they don't stay around long. Its probably my fault just as much as theirs. One thing that really sticks in my mind is this ...... I once worked in the same office for 7 years. During that time I went to many leaving, birthday, maternity parties despite it not really being my thing. When it was my turn to leave I had 3 people show up, out of around 60. Since then I trust no one. I thought they liked me.

So do we need family and friends? I guess everyone will answer differently. I think we all need someone. It could be a partner, a friend, a family member. Just someone who we trust and can turn to. And in the back of my BPD head I think we also need a second someone ..... who can pick up the pieces if anything happens to the first someone. But that might just be me and my fear of being totally alone. For me, I don't need my family; by that I mean parents and siblings. I do need my man and my best friend. And of course our kids but that's a totally different subject and one I will leave for another day!

So TTFN
K x

Mental Health & Meds

Hi all

A couple of people has asked about my disorders and medications so I thought I would write a post about it.

So, mental health wise I have the following diagnosis:

• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (which I HATE)
• Recurrent Depressive Disorder
• Panic Disorder with Anxiety
• Agoraphobia
• Insomnia

It is debated whether I have bipolar 2 and PTSD as well, some think yes others think no. 

Alongside these I also suffer from:

• Thyroid & Pituitary problems which I am having many tests for and is likely to be caused by the mental health meds
• VERY high cholesterol. Linked to the Thyroid problems
• Knees that randomly dislocate because they never formed properly
• Arthritis in toes and hips

And then, on top of all that I get quite a few side effects from my meds! So here is my meds and the side effects:

• Venlafaxine 225mg. This is my longest standing med, been on it about 8 or 9 years. I have no idea any more if its doing any good! They are talking about highering the dose, I would prefer to come off it. The side effects I get from this are hot sweats and constipation.
  
• Lithium 700mg. I have been on this for about 18 months. Its likely that it is causing the problems with my thyroid. For those that don't know it is a dangerous drug and not used that often anymore. I have blood tests every 3 months to make sure it is not doing any damage .... that was how to thyroid problems were noticed.  Side effects is weight gain, bad tremors and feeling faint if not eating or drinking enough.
  
• Mirtazapine 15 / 30mg. This is my love / hate drug. For my mental health it is by far the best thing I have ever taken but its main side effect made me stop taking it. I spent 3 months off of it but my mental health got so bad that yesterday I was given the choice .... go back on it or get referred to crisis team. I am now back on it. On the plus side, it helps with the hot sweats and the shaking. It also lifts my mood and sometimes helps me sleep. However it is renound for weight gain. When I started taking it 18 months ago I was a size 12, I am now a size 20 and its all down to the Mirtazapine. I was putting on 1lb a week. Dieting made no difference .... my OH lost 1.5 stone and I gained 3lb's by eating the same thing!! The problem I have now is that the weight gain is really making me low so its counteracting all the good the drug is doing. I am only back on it for a few weeks until they decide a different way forward.
  
• Diazapam 5mg. I am only allowed to take this twice a week if/when I go out. I love this stuff. Just makes everything seem better for a little while.
  
• Statins 40mg. Can't remember the name, its the one for more severe cases. Am meant to be on 60mg but doctor refuses to give me it!
  
• Max strength Senna. Still makes no difference!

I also take extra vitamin D, B12 and a multi vit. Not really sure they do anything!! 

So thats a brief run down. I will post in more detail about how my disorders affect me sometime soon. Please share your details with me? I would love to compare meds etc.

TTFN

K

As days go, this one was tough!

Hi !

The past couple of days have been ok. I managed the wedding fair (which wasn't worth going to) and a few shops on Saturday. Started to get a bit freaked out so OH quickly whisked me away. Sunday was a quick trip to empty the boat and a stop at the new local farm shop to see what it was like.

Mondays are generally a bad day for me so I was quite surprised that I wasn't too bad. I couldn't have left the house but my mood was better than normal. The 2 kids were being good and it was generally a nice chilled day.
Until my OH's eldest daughter, Marie, messaged me. I'll explain some background ....

I don't call her my step daughter. She is 19, has a child of her own and has never lived with me. I have had no involvement in bringing her up so I don't feel I have any right to be classed as any sort of mum to her. She agrees with me. I have always been known as Nanny to her daughter tho.

My OH brought her up. Her mum left when she was a toddler and had nothing to do with her for many years. In time my OH met someone who became her step mum and along came her sister Lizzie. Marie and her step mum had a love hate relationship and there was a lot of arguments. When Marie was 16 she and her 15 year old boyfriend has a huge row with the step mum and moved out. Despite spending a few years homeless, she never returned home. She was pregnant at 17 and a single mum at 18. She has just got her first proper home.

She has had no end of problems. She comes to us for advise and then stops talking to us because she doesn't like the advice we give. A few months later she is broke so comes back to ask for money. We don't give it to her. Which causes her to sulk again. Its a never ending cycle.

Today I snapped. I'm not proud of it but its done now.

She told me her daughter was going to stay with her dad for a few days. I asked her if she was sure that was a wise thing to do. A few months ago she let him take her for a week which resulted in his mother kidnapping the child and the police having to get her back. Off the back of that social services got involved and told Marie that the father was only to see the child with her there as he was a risk. Anyway today Marie denies every being told that by social services (I was there when she was told it!!) and said it was nothing to do with me what she did with HER child.

I explained that we were just giving our opinion and it was totally up to her what she did. I said that I never listened to advise when I was her age either!

She then went on to tell me to stop trying to be a mother to her and Lizzie, that I was never going to be. That her life has nothing to do with me and she wants to discuss things with her dad (he speaks to her via me, its just what he does!). She also said all Lizzie's problems are because of me.

Exactly the same things she used to say to her step mum.

I was angry and responded in a way that I shouldn't have done. But it left her with no doubt that I will not be spoken to like that. In fact, I will not be spoken to by her again full stop. She has done this a few times now and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Over and over again she is triggering my BPD (borderline personality disorder) and leaving me in a state. I have to think of me and my mental health so I am choosing to have nothing more to do with her. Luckily my OH understands how badly this affects me and supports my decision. Of course he and Lizzie can have as much contact as they want, although she is currently not speaking to him either because he told her that I was expressing the opinions of both of us.

She is only happy when she is told what she wants to hear. And as parents / responsible adults we don't feel we should do that. We offer our advice and opinions. It is her choice if she takes them.
She sees it as us telling her what to do and rebels. She is only 19, she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Her mum feels guilty for not being there while she was growing up so she just agrees with everything Marie says and gives her money whenever she wants it. We are the bad ones because we tell her to learn to stand on her own two feet .... we had to so she should to. She once yelled at us and then stopped talking to us because we bought a boat (it was only a few hundred pounds!). She felt that we should give her money rather than spend it on things for us!

Maybe our way of parenting is different than others. Maybe we were brought up differently. We were never given things. We had to work for them. I would never have even considered asking my parents for money once I had left home, yet she does all the time. I was homeless as a teenager because I was young and stupid ..... but I found my own way out of it without going begging to my family. I went bankrupt in my 30's because I was young (ish) and stupid ..... my parents had enough money to help me but I would never have asked and they would never have done it. I learnt. It wont happen again!

I wanted to run away tonight. I get that feeling when I am bordering on being ill. Luckily I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Any reader with BPD will understand the triggers of rejection and not being liked. They are my main triggers. As harsh as it may seem I have to stop her being able to trigger me and the only way to do that is to stop any contact.

With a very heavy heart TTFN
K

Mum Guilt - Half Term Plans

School holidays are bitter sweet for me. The girls are home and I love spending time with them; however the pressure on me takes its toll and I always end up with mum guilt.

Both girls would be happy to sit inside all day and play on their tablets and phones. One of them doesn't even stop to eat unless I step in. I grew up on a farm and find it strange that they are not wanting to be outside doing things. That said I find a lot of things strange these days, kids just aren't brought up the same way we were!

I am agoraphobic (and have various other MH disorders). I leave the house maybe once a week at the weekend because my OH is here to go with me. I can just about do it with his support. The rest of the time I stay home. Sometimes I go out to the garden, but for the past 3 months or so I haven't even managed that. School holidays present a problem because I don't want the girls to be in all the time, but they wont actually get off their bums and do anything unless I drag them. The fact I can't usually leave the house means I can't drag them out so they stay in a lot. Hence mum guilt.

So for this half term I have made a few plans. This is NEVER a good thing for me as it stresses me out more than usual but I have to think of the girls.

Today (Saturday) - we are going to a wedding fair. OH and I are getting married next year so thought we would take a look as it should be fairly low stress for me. The girls are not overly happy about the idea but I'm sure they will enjoy it. We might visit the mother in law on the way home depending on how I feel.

Sunday - Our boat has just been taken out the water for winter (due to my agoraphobia being bad we have only used it twice this year!). We need to visit him to bring home all the fishing gear and clothes that were left on him and make a list of work we need to do while he is on dry land.

Monday - Always a bad day for me. OH goes back to work and I slump. Normal service will resume on Tuesday. However the girls have the task of painting stones to leave in public spaces in the newest kiddy phase.

Tuesday - Staying local to home as have doctors appointment and then going to visit our wedding venue.

Wednesday / Thursday / Friday - Depends on weather and my health. I have won tickets to Paignton Zoo which is always a fab day out so I will take the girls there if I can. We also have to go painted stones hunting in various places.  Maybe some fishing.

This is my best case scenario.
Does anyone else get mum guilt because of their health? 

TTFN
K

The downside of living in remote Devon!

I have had a few fall outs with O2 today. Let me explain .....

We moved into our current house 6 months ago. We quickly discovered that we had no mobile signal. We checked on coverage maps and confirmed that we are in a little gap that no one covers. This wasn't a problem for my OH as he was with O2 so could use their wifi service called TU GO. I, however, was with GiffGaff and they don't offer a wifi service. After a month or so without a working mobile I decided I needed to change network.

I first switched to 3 pay as you go. Their wifi service was great ..... until I discovered you could only log into your account using mobile data. For 'security reasons' you couldn't do it over wifi. I had various discussions with them regarding the fact I couldn't log in via data because I don't get a signal but it seems there was nothing they could do.

So I left 3 and joined my OH's contract on O2. I signed up for a 12 month sim only deal. The price was good and I got to use the TU GO service meaning my phone could actually be used as a phone rather than a small tablet. TU GO wasn't as good as 3's service but I could phone and text most of the time so all was well.

Then today O2 customers received a text saying TU GO is being stopped on 30th November. WHAT?! WHY?!
'Its ok!' says O2, some phones can use built in wifi calling (no texts tho). Phew I thought as I went to read more. But O2 seem to think we must all be rich ..... because the 'some phones' are only high end, recently released phones. My phone is a Samsung and only a year old but its not one of THE phones. My OH's phone is a Sony and 2 years old but its not one of THE phones.

So I contacted O2 again.
'Its ok!' they said 'you can use third party apps for the time being'.
Urrmmmm, hello?!  You want me to ask my doctor to call me on Whatsapp?!

'Its ok!' they said 'we are adding more phones to the list soon and may add text messages over wifi next year'
NEXT YEAR!?
You're sh*tting me right?!
NEXT YEAR?"

What I could not seem to get across to them was the fact I HAVE NO SIGNAL. Devon can't be the only place that has areas with no signal can it?!  A quick search on twitter tells me that no, its not the only area and that there are quite a few other unhappy people.

What has my discussions with O2 resulted in? Me being told twice that I could end my contract if I pay an early termination fee of £70. And me telling them to shove their £70 somewhere dark and smelly. Looks like I am just going to have to stand my ground on the phone tomorrow. I am not paying for a phone I am unable to use.

And breathe. Rant over.
TTFN
K