As days go, this one was tough!

Hi !

The past couple of days have been ok. I managed the wedding fair (which wasn't worth going to) and a few shops on Saturday. Started to get a bit freaked out so OH quickly whisked me away. Sunday was a quick trip to empty the boat and a stop at the new local farm shop to see what it was like.

Mondays are generally a bad day for me so I was quite surprised that I wasn't too bad. I couldn't have left the house but my mood was better than normal. The 2 kids were being good and it was generally a nice chilled day.
Until my OH's eldest daughter, Marie, messaged me. I'll explain some background ....

I don't call her my step daughter. She is 19, has a child of her own and has never lived with me. I have had no involvement in bringing her up so I don't feel I have any right to be classed as any sort of mum to her. She agrees with me. I have always been known as Nanny to her daughter tho.

My OH brought her up. Her mum left when she was a toddler and had nothing to do with her for many years. In time my OH met someone who became her step mum and along came her sister Lizzie. Marie and her step mum had a love hate relationship and there was a lot of arguments. When Marie was 16 she and her 15 year old boyfriend has a huge row with the step mum and moved out. Despite spending a few years homeless, she never returned home. She was pregnant at 17 and a single mum at 18. She has just got her first proper home.

She has had no end of problems. She comes to us for advise and then stops talking to us because she doesn't like the advice we give. A few months later she is broke so comes back to ask for money. We don't give it to her. Which causes her to sulk again. Its a never ending cycle.

Today I snapped. I'm not proud of it but its done now.

She told me her daughter was going to stay with her dad for a few days. I asked her if she was sure that was a wise thing to do. A few months ago she let him take her for a week which resulted in his mother kidnapping the child and the police having to get her back. Off the back of that social services got involved and told Marie that the father was only to see the child with her there as he was a risk. Anyway today Marie denies every being told that by social services (I was there when she was told it!!) and said it was nothing to do with me what she did with HER child.

I explained that we were just giving our opinion and it was totally up to her what she did. I said that I never listened to advise when I was her age either!

She then went on to tell me to stop trying to be a mother to her and Lizzie, that I was never going to be. That her life has nothing to do with me and she wants to discuss things with her dad (he speaks to her via me, its just what he does!). She also said all Lizzie's problems are because of me.

Exactly the same things she used to say to her step mum.

I was angry and responded in a way that I shouldn't have done. But it left her with no doubt that I will not be spoken to like that. In fact, I will not be spoken to by her again full stop. She has done this a few times now and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Over and over again she is triggering my BPD (borderline personality disorder) and leaving me in a state. I have to think of me and my mental health so I am choosing to have nothing more to do with her. Luckily my OH understands how badly this affects me and supports my decision. Of course he and Lizzie can have as much contact as they want, although she is currently not speaking to him either because he told her that I was expressing the opinions of both of us.

She is only happy when she is told what she wants to hear. And as parents / responsible adults we don't feel we should do that. We offer our advice and opinions. It is her choice if she takes them.
She sees it as us telling her what to do and rebels. She is only 19, she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Her mum feels guilty for not being there while she was growing up so she just agrees with everything Marie says and gives her money whenever she wants it. We are the bad ones because we tell her to learn to stand on her own two feet .... we had to so she should to. She once yelled at us and then stopped talking to us because we bought a boat (it was only a few hundred pounds!). She felt that we should give her money rather than spend it on things for us!

Maybe our way of parenting is different than others. Maybe we were brought up differently. We were never given things. We had to work for them. I would never have even considered asking my parents for money once I had left home, yet she does all the time. I was homeless as a teenager because I was young and stupid ..... but I found my own way out of it without going begging to my family. I went bankrupt in my 30's because I was young (ish) and stupid ..... my parents had enough money to help me but I would never have asked and they would never have done it. I learnt. It wont happen again!

I wanted to run away tonight. I get that feeling when I am bordering on being ill. Luckily I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Any reader with BPD will understand the triggers of rejection and not being liked. They are my main triggers. As harsh as it may seem I have to stop her being able to trigger me and the only way to do that is to stop any contact.

With a very heavy heart TTFN
K