Todays post comes from a mix of 2 things. Firstly I read an article today about people with BPD and friends ..... anyone with BPD will understand what a minefield that is. Secondly is because this time next year I would have just got married so we have recently been discussing guest lists.
My OH is neurotypical. He has never had any mental health problems. The things he has coped with in his life amazes me ..... the things that have got me sectioned, he would just takes in his stride. Don't get me wrong, he has had situational depression such as when his wife died but his mental health has remained fully in tact. We have many things in common and one of the main ones is our dislike of people! My reason for this is without doubt the BPD. His reason is just people most people annoy him!
This made writing our guest list very easy. As few people as possible. At first it was 12 with the possibility of it being 15 if people brought a plus one. Then his eldest daughter decided she wasn't coming so that's her and our granddaughter off the list taking it down to 10 with the chance of 2 plus ones.
My OH has found it difficult to explain to his family that they are not invited. In fact he hasn't actually told them yet, just warned them that it will be small so not everyone will be invited. Luckily his dad and sister are similar to him so will understand. His mum might be a little put out but she will get over it.
I've not even told my family that we have booked the wedding. Close isn't a word I would use to describe us. They wont be shocked to hear they are not invited.
I have to admit that I don't think I feel the same towards my family as most people feel towards theirs. I have no idea if this is BPD related or not. It would be very easy for me to blame them for us not being close but I don't think blame will help anyone. I feel I am seen as the black sheep of the family ..... but I suspect it is the BPD that makes me feel that way. Both my mum and dad have remarried and I do not get along with either of their partners. They are nice enough people I guess, I just don't like them. But I feel that way about most people to be fair!
I have one amazingly close friend. At the moment we are going through a stage of hardly talking. We do that. We have a year when we do everything together and talk every day and then a year of hardly talking at all, maybe one message a month to check we are alive! I know, without any doubt at all, she would drop everything if I needed her. I have never feared her abandoning me and I have never felt jealous about other friends or men in her life. I think she has made it so clear that she understands and that she is here to stay that I have no reason to doubt her.
I am also very close to my 'fairy god daughter' (I am not religious so refused to be her god mother on principle). Her mother was my best mate for 15 years. My god daughter says she was brought up by her mum and me. Unfortunately her mother let me down and we lost our friendship. However I have stayed close to my fairy god daughter and she will be at the wedding. On a side note, after a few years of not talking, her mother and I are now on speaking terms but will never be close again.
That's it though. My grand total of 2 friends, one of which is more a daughter than a friend. Over the years there have been many people who I have called friends but they don't stay around long. Its probably my fault just as much as theirs. One thing that really sticks in my mind is this ...... I once worked in the same office for 7 years. During that time I went to many leaving, birthday, maternity parties despite it not really being my thing. When it was my turn to leave I had 3 people show up, out of around 60. Since then I trust no one. I thought they liked me.
So do we need family and friends? I guess everyone will answer differently. I think we all need someone. It could be a partner, a friend, a family member. Just someone who we trust and can turn to. And in the back of my BPD head I think we also need a second someone ..... who can pick up the pieces if anything happens to the first someone. But that might just be me and my fear of being totally alone. For me, I don't need my family; by that I mean parents and siblings. I do need my man and my best friend. And of course our kids but that's a totally different subject and one I will leave for another day!
So TTFN
K x
Thursday, 26 October 2017
Wednesday, 25 October 2017
Mental Health & Meds
Hi all
A couple of people has asked about my disorders and medications so I thought I would write a post about it.
So, mental health wise I have the following diagnosis:
A couple of people has asked about my disorders and medications so I thought I would write a post about it.
So, mental health wise I have the following diagnosis:
- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (which I HATE)
- Recurrent Depressive Disorder
- Panic Disorder with Anxiety
- Agoraphobia
- Insomnia
It is debated whether I have bipolar 2 and PTSD as well, some think yes others think no.
Alongside these I also suffer from:
- Thyroid & Pituitary problems which I am having many tests for and is likely to be caused by the mental health meds
- VERY high cholesterol. Linked to the Thyroid problems
- Knees that randomly dislocate because they never formed properly
- Arthritis in toes and hips
And then, on top of all that I get quite a few side effects from my meds! So here is my meds and the side effects:
- Venlafaxine 225mg. This is my longest standing med, been on it about 8 or 9 years. I have no idea any more if its doing any good! They are talking about highering the dose, I would prefer to come off it. The side effects I get from this are hot sweats and constipation.
- Lithium 700mg. I have been on this for about 18 months. Its likely that it is causing the problems with my thyroid. For those that don't know it is a dangerous drug and not used that often anymore. I have blood tests every 3 months to make sure it is not doing any damage .... that was how to thyroid problems were noticed. Side effects is weight gain, bad tremors and feeling faint if not eating or drinking enough.
- Mirtazapine 15 / 30mg. This is my love / hate drug. For my mental health it is by far the best thing I have ever taken but its main side effect made me stop taking it. I spent 3 months off of it but my mental health got so bad that yesterday I was given the choice .... go back on it or get referred to crisis team. I am now back on it. On the plus side, it helps with the hot sweats and the shaking. It also lifts my mood and sometimes helps me sleep. However it is renound for weight gain. When I started taking it 18 months ago I was a size 12, I am now a size 20 and its all down to the Mirtazapine. I was putting on 1lb a week. Dieting made no difference .... my OH lost 1.5 stone and I gained 3lb's by eating the same thing!! The problem I have now is that the weight gain is really making me low so its counteracting all the good the drug is doing. I am only back on it for a few weeks until they decide a different way forward.
- Diazapam 5mg. I am only allowed to take this twice a week if/when I go out. I love this stuff. Just makes everything seem better for a little while.
- Statins 40mg. Can't remember the name, its the one for more severe cases. Am meant to be on 60mg but doctor refuses to give me it!
- Max strength Senna. Still makes no difference!
I also take extra vitamin D, B12 and a multi vit. Not really sure they do anything!!
So thats a brief run down. I will post in more detail about how my disorders affect me sometime soon. Please share your details with me? I would love to compare meds etc.
TTFN
K
Monday, 23 October 2017
As days go, this one was tough!
Hi !
The past couple of days have been ok. I managed the wedding fair (which wasn't worth going to) and a few shops on Saturday. Started to get a bit freaked out so OH quickly whisked me away. Sunday was a quick trip to empty the boat and a stop at the new local farm shop to see what it was like.
Mondays are generally a bad day for me so I was quite surprised that I wasn't too bad. I couldn't have left the house but my mood was better than normal. The 2 kids were being good and it was generally a nice chilled day.
Until my OH's eldest daughter, Marie, messaged me. I'll explain some background ....
I don't call her my step daughter. She is 19, has a child of her own and has never lived with me. I have had no involvement in bringing her up so I don't feel I have any right to be classed as any sort of mum to her. She agrees with me. I have always been known as Nanny to her daughter tho.
My OH brought her up. Her mum left when she was a toddler and had nothing to do with her for many years. In time my OH met someone who became her step mum and along came her sister Lizzie. Marie and her step mum had a love hate relationship and there was a lot of arguments. When Marie was 16 she and her 15 year old boyfriend has a huge row with the step mum and moved out. Despite spending a few years homeless, she never returned home. She was pregnant at 17 and a single mum at 18. She has just got her first proper home.
She has had no end of problems. She comes to us for advise and then stops talking to us because she doesn't like the advice we give. A few months later she is broke so comes back to ask for money. We don't give it to her. Which causes her to sulk again. Its a never ending cycle.
Today I snapped. I'm not proud of it but its done now.
She told me her daughter was going to stay with her dad for a few days. I asked her if she was sure that was a wise thing to do. A few months ago she let him take her for a week which resulted in his mother kidnapping the child and the police having to get her back. Off the back of that social services got involved and told Marie that the father was only to see the child with her there as he was a risk. Anyway today Marie denies every being told that by social services (I was there when she was told it!!) and said it was nothing to do with me what she did with HER child.
I explained that we were just giving our opinion and it was totally up to her what she did. I said that I never listened to advise when I was her age either!
She then went on to tell me to stop trying to be a mother to her and Lizzie, that I was never going to be. That her life has nothing to do with me and she wants to discuss things with her dad (he speaks to her via me, its just what he does!). She also said all Lizzie's problems are because of me.
Exactly the same things she used to say to her step mum.
I was angry and responded in a way that I shouldn't have done. But it left her with no doubt that I will not be spoken to like that. In fact, I will not be spoken to by her again full stop. She has done this a few times now and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Over and over again she is triggering my BPD (borderline personality disorder) and leaving me in a state. I have to think of me and my mental health so I am choosing to have nothing more to do with her. Luckily my OH understands how badly this affects me and supports my decision. Of course he and Lizzie can have as much contact as they want, although she is currently not speaking to him either because he told her that I was expressing the opinions of both of us.
She is only happy when she is told what she wants to hear. And as parents / responsible adults we don't feel we should do that. We offer our advice and opinions. It is her choice if she takes them.
She sees it as us telling her what to do and rebels. She is only 19, she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Her mum feels guilty for not being there while she was growing up so she just agrees with everything Marie says and gives her money whenever she wants it. We are the bad ones because we tell her to learn to stand on her own two feet .... we had to so she should to. She once yelled at us and then stopped talking to us because we bought a boat (it was only a few hundred pounds!). She felt that we should give her money rather than spend it on things for us!
Maybe our way of parenting is different than others. Maybe we were brought up differently. We were never given things. We had to work for them. I would never have even considered asking my parents for money once I had left home, yet she does all the time. I was homeless as a teenager because I was young and stupid ..... but I found my own way out of it without going begging to my family. I went bankrupt in my 30's because I was young (ish) and stupid ..... my parents had enough money to help me but I would never have asked and they would never have done it. I learnt. It wont happen again!
I wanted to run away tonight. I get that feeling when I am bordering on being ill. Luckily I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Any reader with BPD will understand the triggers of rejection and not being liked. They are my main triggers. As harsh as it may seem I have to stop her being able to trigger me and the only way to do that is to stop any contact.
With a very heavy heart TTFN
K
The past couple of days have been ok. I managed the wedding fair (which wasn't worth going to) and a few shops on Saturday. Started to get a bit freaked out so OH quickly whisked me away. Sunday was a quick trip to empty the boat and a stop at the new local farm shop to see what it was like.
Mondays are generally a bad day for me so I was quite surprised that I wasn't too bad. I couldn't have left the house but my mood was better than normal. The 2 kids were being good and it was generally a nice chilled day.
Until my OH's eldest daughter, Marie, messaged me. I'll explain some background ....
I don't call her my step daughter. She is 19, has a child of her own and has never lived with me. I have had no involvement in bringing her up so I don't feel I have any right to be classed as any sort of mum to her. She agrees with me. I have always been known as Nanny to her daughter tho.
My OH brought her up. Her mum left when she was a toddler and had nothing to do with her for many years. In time my OH met someone who became her step mum and along came her sister Lizzie. Marie and her step mum had a love hate relationship and there was a lot of arguments. When Marie was 16 she and her 15 year old boyfriend has a huge row with the step mum and moved out. Despite spending a few years homeless, she never returned home. She was pregnant at 17 and a single mum at 18. She has just got her first proper home.
She has had no end of problems. She comes to us for advise and then stops talking to us because she doesn't like the advice we give. A few months later she is broke so comes back to ask for money. We don't give it to her. Which causes her to sulk again. Its a never ending cycle.
Today I snapped. I'm not proud of it but its done now.
She told me her daughter was going to stay with her dad for a few days. I asked her if she was sure that was a wise thing to do. A few months ago she let him take her for a week which resulted in his mother kidnapping the child and the police having to get her back. Off the back of that social services got involved and told Marie that the father was only to see the child with her there as he was a risk. Anyway today Marie denies every being told that by social services (I was there when she was told it!!) and said it was nothing to do with me what she did with HER child.
I explained that we were just giving our opinion and it was totally up to her what she did. I said that I never listened to advise when I was her age either!
She then went on to tell me to stop trying to be a mother to her and Lizzie, that I was never going to be. That her life has nothing to do with me and she wants to discuss things with her dad (he speaks to her via me, its just what he does!). She also said all Lizzie's problems are because of me.
Exactly the same things she used to say to her step mum.
I was angry and responded in a way that I shouldn't have done. But it left her with no doubt that I will not be spoken to like that. In fact, I will not be spoken to by her again full stop. She has done this a few times now and that's enough as far as I'm concerned. Over and over again she is triggering my BPD (borderline personality disorder) and leaving me in a state. I have to think of me and my mental health so I am choosing to have nothing more to do with her. Luckily my OH understands how badly this affects me and supports my decision. Of course he and Lizzie can have as much contact as they want, although she is currently not speaking to him either because he told her that I was expressing the opinions of both of us.
She is only happy when she is told what she wants to hear. And as parents / responsible adults we don't feel we should do that. We offer our advice and opinions. It is her choice if she takes them.
She sees it as us telling her what to do and rebels. She is only 19, she has a lot of growing up to do yet. Her mum feels guilty for not being there while she was growing up so she just agrees with everything Marie says and gives her money whenever she wants it. We are the bad ones because we tell her to learn to stand on her own two feet .... we had to so she should to. She once yelled at us and then stopped talking to us because we bought a boat (it was only a few hundred pounds!). She felt that we should give her money rather than spend it on things for us!
Maybe our way of parenting is different than others. Maybe we were brought up differently. We were never given things. We had to work for them. I would never have even considered asking my parents for money once I had left home, yet she does all the time. I was homeless as a teenager because I was young and stupid ..... but I found my own way out of it without going begging to my family. I went bankrupt in my 30's because I was young (ish) and stupid ..... my parents had enough money to help me but I would never have asked and they would never have done it. I learnt. It wont happen again!
I wanted to run away tonight. I get that feeling when I am bordering on being ill. Luckily I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Any reader with BPD will understand the triggers of rejection and not being liked. They are my main triggers. As harsh as it may seem I have to stop her being able to trigger me and the only way to do that is to stop any contact.
With a very heavy heart TTFN
K
Saturday, 21 October 2017
Mum Guilt - Half Term Plans
School holidays are bitter sweet for me. The girls are home and I love spending time with them; however the pressure on me takes its toll and I always end up with mum guilt.
Both girls would be happy to sit inside all day and play on their tablets and phones. One of them doesn't even stop to eat unless I step in. I grew up on a farm and find it strange that they are not wanting to be outside doing things. That said I find a lot of things strange these days, kids just aren't brought up the same way we were!
I am agoraphobic (and have various other MH disorders). I leave the house maybe once a week at the weekend because my OH is here to go with me. I can just about do it with his support. The rest of the time I stay home. Sometimes I go out to the garden, but for the past 3 months or so I haven't even managed that. School holidays present a problem because I don't want the girls to be in all the time, but they wont actually get off their bums and do anything unless I drag them. The fact I can't usually leave the house means I can't drag them out so they stay in a lot. Hence mum guilt.
So for this half term I have made a few plans. This is NEVER a good thing for me as it stresses me out more than usual but I have to think of the girls.
Today (Saturday) - we are going to a wedding fair. OH and I are getting married next year so thought we would take a look as it should be fairly low stress for me. The girls are not overly happy about the idea but I'm sure they will enjoy it. We might visit the mother in law on the way home depending on how I feel.
Sunday - Our boat has just been taken out the water for winter (due to my agoraphobia being bad we have only used it twice this year!). We need to visit him to bring home all the fishing gear and clothes that were left on him and make a list of work we need to do while he is on dry land.
Monday - Always a bad day for me. OH goes back to work and I slump. Normal service will resume on Tuesday. However the girls have the task of painting stones to leave in public spaces in the newest kiddy phase.
Tuesday - Staying local to home as have doctors appointment and then going to visit our wedding venue.
Wednesday / Thursday / Friday - Depends on weather and my health. I have won tickets to Paignton Zoo which is always a fab day out so I will take the girls there if I can. We also have to go painted stones hunting in various places. Maybe some fishing.
This is my best case scenario.
Does anyone else get mum guilt because of their health?
TTFN
K
Both girls would be happy to sit inside all day and play on their tablets and phones. One of them doesn't even stop to eat unless I step in. I grew up on a farm and find it strange that they are not wanting to be outside doing things. That said I find a lot of things strange these days, kids just aren't brought up the same way we were!
I am agoraphobic (and have various other MH disorders). I leave the house maybe once a week at the weekend because my OH is here to go with me. I can just about do it with his support. The rest of the time I stay home. Sometimes I go out to the garden, but for the past 3 months or so I haven't even managed that. School holidays present a problem because I don't want the girls to be in all the time, but they wont actually get off their bums and do anything unless I drag them. The fact I can't usually leave the house means I can't drag them out so they stay in a lot. Hence mum guilt.
So for this half term I have made a few plans. This is NEVER a good thing for me as it stresses me out more than usual but I have to think of the girls.
Today (Saturday) - we are going to a wedding fair. OH and I are getting married next year so thought we would take a look as it should be fairly low stress for me. The girls are not overly happy about the idea but I'm sure they will enjoy it. We might visit the mother in law on the way home depending on how I feel.
Sunday - Our boat has just been taken out the water for winter (due to my agoraphobia being bad we have only used it twice this year!). We need to visit him to bring home all the fishing gear and clothes that were left on him and make a list of work we need to do while he is on dry land.
Monday - Always a bad day for me. OH goes back to work and I slump. Normal service will resume on Tuesday. However the girls have the task of painting stones to leave in public spaces in the newest kiddy phase.
Tuesday - Staying local to home as have doctors appointment and then going to visit our wedding venue.
Wednesday / Thursday / Friday - Depends on weather and my health. I have won tickets to Paignton Zoo which is always a fab day out so I will take the girls there if I can. We also have to go painted stones hunting in various places. Maybe some fishing.
This is my best case scenario.
Does anyone else get mum guilt because of their health?
TTFN
K
Friday, 20 October 2017
The downside of living in remote Devon!
I have had a few fall outs with O2 today. Let me explain .....
We moved into our current house 6 months ago. We quickly discovered that we had no mobile signal. We checked on coverage maps and confirmed that we are in a little gap that no one covers. This wasn't a problem for my OH as he was with O2 so could use their wifi service called TU GO. I, however, was with GiffGaff and they don't offer a wifi service. After a month or so without a working mobile I decided I needed to change network.
I first switched to 3 pay as you go. Their wifi service was great ..... until I discovered you could only log into your account using mobile data. For 'security reasons' you couldn't do it over wifi. I had various discussions with them regarding the fact I couldn't log in via data because I don't get a signal but it seems there was nothing they could do.
So I left 3 and joined my OH's contract on O2. I signed up for a 12 month sim only deal. The price was good and I got to use the TU GO service meaning my phone could actually be used as a phone rather than a small tablet. TU GO wasn't as good as 3's service but I could phone and text most of the time so all was well.
Then today O2 customers received a text saying TU GO is being stopped on 30th November. WHAT?! WHY?!
'Its ok!' says O2, some phones can use built in wifi calling (no texts tho). Phew I thought as I went to read more. But O2 seem to think we must all be rich ..... because the 'some phones' are only high end, recently released phones. My phone is a Samsung and only a year old but its not one of THE phones. My OH's phone is a Sony and 2 years old but its not one of THE phones.
So I contacted O2 again.
'Its ok!' they said 'you can use third party apps for the time being'.
Urrmmmm, hello?! You want me to ask my doctor to call me on Whatsapp?!
'Its ok!' they said 'we are adding more phones to the list soon and may add text messages over wifi next year'
NEXT YEAR!?
You're sh*tting me right?!
NEXT YEAR?"
What I could not seem to get across to them was the fact I HAVE NO SIGNAL. Devon can't be the only place that has areas with no signal can it?! A quick search on twitter tells me that no, its not the only area and that there are quite a few other unhappy people.
What has my discussions with O2 resulted in? Me being told twice that I could end my contract if I pay an early termination fee of £70. And me telling them to shove their £70 somewhere dark and smelly. Looks like I am just going to have to stand my ground on the phone tomorrow. I am not paying for a phone I am unable to use.
And breathe. Rant over.
TTFN
K
We moved into our current house 6 months ago. We quickly discovered that we had no mobile signal. We checked on coverage maps and confirmed that we are in a little gap that no one covers. This wasn't a problem for my OH as he was with O2 so could use their wifi service called TU GO. I, however, was with GiffGaff and they don't offer a wifi service. After a month or so without a working mobile I decided I needed to change network.
I first switched to 3 pay as you go. Their wifi service was great ..... until I discovered you could only log into your account using mobile data. For 'security reasons' you couldn't do it over wifi. I had various discussions with them regarding the fact I couldn't log in via data because I don't get a signal but it seems there was nothing they could do.
So I left 3 and joined my OH's contract on O2. I signed up for a 12 month sim only deal. The price was good and I got to use the TU GO service meaning my phone could actually be used as a phone rather than a small tablet. TU GO wasn't as good as 3's service but I could phone and text most of the time so all was well.
Then today O2 customers received a text saying TU GO is being stopped on 30th November. WHAT?! WHY?!
'Its ok!' says O2, some phones can use built in wifi calling (no texts tho). Phew I thought as I went to read more. But O2 seem to think we must all be rich ..... because the 'some phones' are only high end, recently released phones. My phone is a Samsung and only a year old but its not one of THE phones. My OH's phone is a Sony and 2 years old but its not one of THE phones.
So I contacted O2 again.
'Its ok!' they said 'you can use third party apps for the time being'.
Urrmmmm, hello?! You want me to ask my doctor to call me on Whatsapp?!
'Its ok!' they said 'we are adding more phones to the list soon and may add text messages over wifi next year'
NEXT YEAR!?
You're sh*tting me right?!
NEXT YEAR?"
What I could not seem to get across to them was the fact I HAVE NO SIGNAL. Devon can't be the only place that has areas with no signal can it?! A quick search on twitter tells me that no, its not the only area and that there are quite a few other unhappy people.
What has my discussions with O2 resulted in? Me being told twice that I could end my contract if I pay an early termination fee of £70. And me telling them to shove their £70 somewhere dark and smelly. Looks like I am just going to have to stand my ground on the phone tomorrow. I am not paying for a phone I am unable to use.
And breathe. Rant over.
TTFN
K
Thursday, 19 October 2017
How do you help a child who wont try?
Its been almost a week since I last wrote. I didn't realise it was that long; there has been a lot of negative stuff going on and I didn't want to post about only bad things! However today I just need to get some stuff out my head.
As I've mentioned before, my 12 year old step daughter, Lizzie, is severely dyslexic and has mild learning difficulties. Mentally she is probably about 7 years old. Her mum would not acknowledge there was anything wrong so instead just did everything for her and accepted no help from the school. Hence Lizzie is now a 12 year old who doesn't have any life skills and doesn't understand why she needs to do things for herself. She just wont try.
I have been her step mum for a year and was a close family friend for a few years before that. She was best friends with my 12 year old daughter. I have always encouraged her to do things for herself and before I was her step mum she did co-operate. Now I am just seen as the evil witch who is forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do! Her dad fully backs me up but she sees him as just trying to keep me happy rather than trying to help her learn.
Her new school have been a great help. She gets support in classes and has extra lessons in the learning support department instead of taking a language. Today she came home with play doh she had made .... she was overjoyed! Her home learning is simplified for her and she is encouraged to attend home learning club on Wednesday and Friday lunch times. This came about due to the amount of tantrums we had at home whenever we tried to get her to do it.
Homework was the nail in the coffin today. She had tested my patience since she got home from school and her refusal to even try and do her homework resulted in her being sent upstairs until her dad got home. As soon as he got home I turned into a gibbering crying wreak about how crap I am as a step mum and housewife. Poor guy probably wanted to go back to work!!
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to parent a child with learning difficulties. I have worked with young adults with LD's before, supporting them to live independently. But they wanted to learn and they tried their hardest. Yes, it took time and effort to get them to learn and remember it but they tried. Lizzie wont try.
Maybe I am too harsh on her. Maybe I expect too much. I have nothing to compare it to so I have no idea. My 12 year old is totally different but she has been brought up to do things herself and take pride.
I know she finds everything difficult. I accept that. What I can't accept is that, because she finds it difficult, she just can't be bothered. She expects someone else to do it. I don't know how to teach her to try. Everything I have done hasn't worked. I have ran out of options.
She has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks to discuss a referral to CAMHS due to her self harming and we have a meeting with the school a week after to discuss her in general. She will need to see the Educational Psychologist too. I have an emergency appointment with my doctor on Tuesday as this, on top of my ongoing medical problems, is pushing my mental health to its limit. I am classed as a high suicide risk so have to see a doctor as soon as I start to feel the strain .... and boy did I start feeling it today. Over the years I have learnt how much I can handle before tipping over to the dark side so I am usually able to get to the doctor before anything bad happens.
If anyone has any experience that could help me or knows anywhere I can turn then please please please message me.
I promise I will write a happier post soon!
TTFN
K
As I've mentioned before, my 12 year old step daughter, Lizzie, is severely dyslexic and has mild learning difficulties. Mentally she is probably about 7 years old. Her mum would not acknowledge there was anything wrong so instead just did everything for her and accepted no help from the school. Hence Lizzie is now a 12 year old who doesn't have any life skills and doesn't understand why she needs to do things for herself. She just wont try.
I have been her step mum for a year and was a close family friend for a few years before that. She was best friends with my 12 year old daughter. I have always encouraged her to do things for herself and before I was her step mum she did co-operate. Now I am just seen as the evil witch who is forcing her to do things she doesn't want to do! Her dad fully backs me up but she sees him as just trying to keep me happy rather than trying to help her learn.
Her new school have been a great help. She gets support in classes and has extra lessons in the learning support department instead of taking a language. Today she came home with play doh she had made .... she was overjoyed! Her home learning is simplified for her and she is encouraged to attend home learning club on Wednesday and Friday lunch times. This came about due to the amount of tantrums we had at home whenever we tried to get her to do it.
Homework was the nail in the coffin today. She had tested my patience since she got home from school and her refusal to even try and do her homework resulted in her being sent upstairs until her dad got home. As soon as he got home I turned into a gibbering crying wreak about how crap I am as a step mum and housewife. Poor guy probably wanted to go back to work!!
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to parent a child with learning difficulties. I have worked with young adults with LD's before, supporting them to live independently. But they wanted to learn and they tried their hardest. Yes, it took time and effort to get them to learn and remember it but they tried. Lizzie wont try.
Maybe I am too harsh on her. Maybe I expect too much. I have nothing to compare it to so I have no idea. My 12 year old is totally different but she has been brought up to do things herself and take pride.
I know she finds everything difficult. I accept that. What I can't accept is that, because she finds it difficult, she just can't be bothered. She expects someone else to do it. I don't know how to teach her to try. Everything I have done hasn't worked. I have ran out of options.
She has a doctors appointment in 2 weeks to discuss a referral to CAMHS due to her self harming and we have a meeting with the school a week after to discuss her in general. She will need to see the Educational Psychologist too. I have an emergency appointment with my doctor on Tuesday as this, on top of my ongoing medical problems, is pushing my mental health to its limit. I am classed as a high suicide risk so have to see a doctor as soon as I start to feel the strain .... and boy did I start feeling it today. Over the years I have learnt how much I can handle before tipping over to the dark side so I am usually able to get to the doctor before anything bad happens.
If anyone has any experience that could help me or knows anywhere I can turn then please please please message me.
I promise I will write a happier post soon!
TTFN
K
Friday, 13 October 2017
Can somebody switch my brain off please?!
Its 1.30am. I've been to bed and got up again. I do this every night. I suffer from insomnia. I also suffer from a few life long mental health disorders and a, currently untreated, thyroid problem .... I have other health problems too but they don't play a part in the insomnia.
Sleeping tablets have very little effect on me. I was once in hospital and I was given 'enough to knock out an elephant' and I was still very much wide awake. Even when we do find one that works, it only takes a few weeks for me to get used to it and the insomnia starts again.
Its sods law that the only thing that does work is the one thing I can't take on a regular basis! As my insomnia is caused by my brain's inability to switch off, Diazapam works for me. It dulls the chattering in my head to a manageable level so I can sleep. However it is addictive and, although I get it on prescription, I'm not meant to use it to sleep. I break the rules and use it maybe once every fortnight just so I get a nights sleep. The downside is that I feel a little like a zombie the next day and can't really do anything before lunch.
I have tried most things to cure this insomnia. Baths, no screens, reading, lavender, mindfulness, hypnosis etc etc etc. Last week I thought maybe I had found my saviour ..... Magnesium. Many people swear by it as an aid to sleeping, it relaxes your mind and body. So I bought some. I got flakes to put in the bath and a spray to use just before bed. The first night was great .... I slept all night. I was soooooooo happy. However that was 4 nights ago and i haven't slept all night since. I am back to my 2 or 3 hours if I'm lucky.
Having mental health problems can be a vicious circle. I get stressed and anxious easily which is why my brain wont switch off. I can be led in bed worrying about something that happened 20 years ago or something that might happen next year. And I can't control it. So it keeps me awake. Lack of sleep makes my mental health worse and so my brain worry's more ..... so it keeps me awake. Getting the idea?!
Because of my thyroid problems and the tests I'm having, I can't try any other medications. Maybe once they sort the thyroid I will be less stressed so sleep might happen again. I doubt it but I like to think positive!
So has anyone got any ideas about what I can try next? And while you're here .... I'm also looking for a cure for night sweats cause when I finally do get to sleep I get them!
Off to try and find something to occupy myself now. Sweet dreams to those that can sleep.
TTFN
K
Sleeping tablets have very little effect on me. I was once in hospital and I was given 'enough to knock out an elephant' and I was still very much wide awake. Even when we do find one that works, it only takes a few weeks for me to get used to it and the insomnia starts again.
Its sods law that the only thing that does work is the one thing I can't take on a regular basis! As my insomnia is caused by my brain's inability to switch off, Diazapam works for me. It dulls the chattering in my head to a manageable level so I can sleep. However it is addictive and, although I get it on prescription, I'm not meant to use it to sleep. I break the rules and use it maybe once every fortnight just so I get a nights sleep. The downside is that I feel a little like a zombie the next day and can't really do anything before lunch.
I have tried most things to cure this insomnia. Baths, no screens, reading, lavender, mindfulness, hypnosis etc etc etc. Last week I thought maybe I had found my saviour ..... Magnesium. Many people swear by it as an aid to sleeping, it relaxes your mind and body. So I bought some. I got flakes to put in the bath and a spray to use just before bed. The first night was great .... I slept all night. I was soooooooo happy. However that was 4 nights ago and i haven't slept all night since. I am back to my 2 or 3 hours if I'm lucky.
Having mental health problems can be a vicious circle. I get stressed and anxious easily which is why my brain wont switch off. I can be led in bed worrying about something that happened 20 years ago or something that might happen next year. And I can't control it. So it keeps me awake. Lack of sleep makes my mental health worse and so my brain worry's more ..... so it keeps me awake. Getting the idea?!
Because of my thyroid problems and the tests I'm having, I can't try any other medications. Maybe once they sort the thyroid I will be less stressed so sleep might happen again. I doubt it but I like to think positive!
So has anyone got any ideas about what I can try next? And while you're here .... I'm also looking for a cure for night sweats cause when I finally do get to sleep I get them!
Off to try and find something to occupy myself now. Sweet dreams to those that can sleep.
TTFN
K
Competitions on blogs really do work!
I enjoy 'comping' in my spare time. Not only can I win things, I have built up a group of really good online mates. When I first started about 6 years ago it was quite easy to win; however more and more people are taking up it as a hobby so chances have dropped hugely.
Newbe's often ask why companies run competitions, and why they encourage people like me to enter. The answer to that is easy! Its all about promotion and advertising. It always amuses me when companies state that 'professional compers' are not allowed to enter. Firstly, there is no such thing as a 'professional comper'. We do it as a hobby, just as someone might knit or read or run. Secondly, it is actually beneficial for a company to have us on board. We are fully aware that the companies are running a competition to gain new customers / followers / fans. We have an unspoken rule that we share competitions with other compers ..... in fact we have web sites set up just for that reason. I for one never enter a competition that I don't want to win, although I know people that enter everything just for the sake of it. My mates send me links to prizes they know I really want (currently anything wedding or fishing related) and I send them links to ones I know they would like.
Anyway the reason for this post is to give an example of how easy it is for a company to get a new customer just from sending a blogger something to review.
A few days ago I was happily entering blog competitions when i entered one that caught my eye. Sadly I don't remember the name of the blog otherwise I would link to it. The blog was reviewing a product from a website called BetterYou and was promoting Magnesium as a sleep aid. Only a few days before I had been reading up on a few medical issues I have and Magnesium was mentioned as an aid along with a few other vitamins. So I thought I would check out the BetterYou website to see what they had to say about it. I spent an hour cruising their website reading about all of their products and I was totally sold. There and then I spent £35 and it all arrived today. I must point out that I rarely buy things that quickly ..... I like to research both products and price. If there is a deal to be found, I will find it. BetterYou's products and marketing were spot on, so much so that it didn't even occur to me to look elsewhere.
I will do a review of the products once I have tried them out properly.
TTFN
K
Newbe's often ask why companies run competitions, and why they encourage people like me to enter. The answer to that is easy! Its all about promotion and advertising. It always amuses me when companies state that 'professional compers' are not allowed to enter. Firstly, there is no such thing as a 'professional comper'. We do it as a hobby, just as someone might knit or read or run. Secondly, it is actually beneficial for a company to have us on board. We are fully aware that the companies are running a competition to gain new customers / followers / fans. We have an unspoken rule that we share competitions with other compers ..... in fact we have web sites set up just for that reason. I for one never enter a competition that I don't want to win, although I know people that enter everything just for the sake of it. My mates send me links to prizes they know I really want (currently anything wedding or fishing related) and I send them links to ones I know they would like.
Anyway the reason for this post is to give an example of how easy it is for a company to get a new customer just from sending a blogger something to review.
A few days ago I was happily entering blog competitions when i entered one that caught my eye. Sadly I don't remember the name of the blog otherwise I would link to it. The blog was reviewing a product from a website called BetterYou and was promoting Magnesium as a sleep aid. Only a few days before I had been reading up on a few medical issues I have and Magnesium was mentioned as an aid along with a few other vitamins. So I thought I would check out the BetterYou website to see what they had to say about it. I spent an hour cruising their website reading about all of their products and I was totally sold. There and then I spent £35 and it all arrived today. I must point out that I rarely buy things that quickly ..... I like to research both products and price. If there is a deal to be found, I will find it. BetterYou's products and marketing were spot on, so much so that it didn't even occur to me to look elsewhere.
I will do a review of the products once I have tried them out properly.
TTFN
K
Thursday, 12 October 2017
Step daughter self harming
I think its high up on the list of parents worse nightmares. A phone call from the school saying there has been a report that your child is self harming. For us it was the second time we received such call. I guess I should start from the beginning.....
My step daughter (lets call her Lizzie) is 12. She has mild learning difficulties. Her mum died 15 months ago. She has a new step mum (me) and her best mate became her step sister. She moved 100 miles away from where she grew up and changed schools.
She has had a tough few years.
Just before she changed school we had a phone call saying a student had reported that she was self harming. The school looked into it and decided it was untrue. There were no signs of her doing it so we put it behind us.
Her behavior has been testing to say the least. She had not been taught any basic hygiene and trying to teach her has proved difficult. She HATED being told what to do, or even being asked to do something. She would lie and cut corners. She would stomp and give attitude. But with perseverance and a lot of patience we started to see a difference. She wasn't perfect but what 12 year old is?!
About 4 weeks ago she started playing up again. It would have been her mums birthday at the beginning of the month which would explain the change in her. We have encouraged her to talk about it and she has spoken to her elder sister about it. However she is obviously struggling to deal with the emotions. We have found out that she has punched a wall twice when she has got angry with people. She is being quite hurtful to me, I guess because she sees me as trying to replace her mum. Today we received a phone call from her school. A parent has phoned up with a concern that Lizzie is self harming. I am happy that she has a friend that was switched on enough to tell her parents, and that the parents cared enough to report it. Anyway the school spoke to her and she denied it; however she did admit that she did it at her previous school. We all think that if she lied about it at her last school then the chances are she is lying now too.
There are no signs of self harm. She wears an elbow length sleeve at school so teachers can see that her arms are fine. We feel this is more about attention than actual harming. She often lies and makes things up to get attention so maybe this is just one step further.
We have arrange a meeting with the school after half term to address how to progress. I feel maybe a referral to CAMHS and an Ed Psych would be good. I can honestly say I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't know what to do to make it better for her. Becoming a step mum to a child with learning difficulties has been a challenge and I'm still learning how to do it. Maybe if I was her real mum then I would know how to make her feel better or how to teach her how to manage her emotions better. Or maybe none of us know how to deal with things like this, we just have to learn on the job so to speak.
I would love to hear any advice you have. Not just about the self harming but also just generally coping with being a mum to a child who thinks differently to me.
I will keep you updated.
TTFN
K
Just a quick update ....
Before I got chance to post this we, and Lizzie's elder sister, have had a few chats with her. She admitted to us for the first time that she did self harm at her old school due to bullying. She had never mentioned the bullying before but we suspected it was happening. She also admitted that she was 'scratching' her thump with some scissors at school last week. She says she wasn't self harming, she just had an itch!
We also discovered she had decided that she wants to live with her sister. We explained that children don't get to choose who they live with and gave a few examples why it wasn't a practical idea.
We advised the school of the above and they have asked us to take her to our GP to ask for a referral to CAMHS and counselling.
My step daughter (lets call her Lizzie) is 12. She has mild learning difficulties. Her mum died 15 months ago. She has a new step mum (me) and her best mate became her step sister. She moved 100 miles away from where she grew up and changed schools.
She has had a tough few years.
Just before she changed school we had a phone call saying a student had reported that she was self harming. The school looked into it and decided it was untrue. There were no signs of her doing it so we put it behind us.
Her behavior has been testing to say the least. She had not been taught any basic hygiene and trying to teach her has proved difficult. She HATED being told what to do, or even being asked to do something. She would lie and cut corners. She would stomp and give attitude. But with perseverance and a lot of patience we started to see a difference. She wasn't perfect but what 12 year old is?!
About 4 weeks ago she started playing up again. It would have been her mums birthday at the beginning of the month which would explain the change in her. We have encouraged her to talk about it and she has spoken to her elder sister about it. However she is obviously struggling to deal with the emotions. We have found out that she has punched a wall twice when she has got angry with people. She is being quite hurtful to me, I guess because she sees me as trying to replace her mum. Today we received a phone call from her school. A parent has phoned up with a concern that Lizzie is self harming. I am happy that she has a friend that was switched on enough to tell her parents, and that the parents cared enough to report it. Anyway the school spoke to her and she denied it; however she did admit that she did it at her previous school. We all think that if she lied about it at her last school then the chances are she is lying now too.
There are no signs of self harm. She wears an elbow length sleeve at school so teachers can see that her arms are fine. We feel this is more about attention than actual harming. She often lies and makes things up to get attention so maybe this is just one step further.
We have arrange a meeting with the school after half term to address how to progress. I feel maybe a referral to CAMHS and an Ed Psych would be good. I can honestly say I have no idea how to deal with this. I don't know what to do to make it better for her. Becoming a step mum to a child with learning difficulties has been a challenge and I'm still learning how to do it. Maybe if I was her real mum then I would know how to make her feel better or how to teach her how to manage her emotions better. Or maybe none of us know how to deal with things like this, we just have to learn on the job so to speak.
I would love to hear any advice you have. Not just about the self harming but also just generally coping with being a mum to a child who thinks differently to me.
I will keep you updated.
TTFN
K
Just a quick update ....
Before I got chance to post this we, and Lizzie's elder sister, have had a few chats with her. She admitted to us for the first time that she did self harm at her old school due to bullying. She had never mentioned the bullying before but we suspected it was happening. She also admitted that she was 'scratching' her thump with some scissors at school last week. She says she wasn't self harming, she just had an itch!
We also discovered she had decided that she wants to live with her sister. We explained that children don't get to choose who they live with and gave a few examples why it wasn't a practical idea.
We advised the school of the above and they have asked us to take her to our GP to ask for a referral to CAMHS and counselling.
About Me and Mine
I am 40 years old and live with my fiance and his 12 year old daughter who has mild learning difficulties. I have a 12 year old daughter who lives with her dad and stays with us every other weekend and school holidays. My fiance also has a 19 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter. They live 100 miles away so we don't see them as often as we would like.
We live in a village in Devon. Our nearest town (more like a large village!) is a 20 minute drive away and city is an hour away. We are quite remote and we love it! Our house is social housing as we could never afford to buy and I think we are very lucky to be out of the expensive private rental market.
We have 3 dogs who we adore. There is Winston the rescued chihuahua who is by far the grumpiest and most stubborn dog I have every met. Then Caramel the chug (chihuahua x pug) who was the runt of the litter and is sooooooo dim! Finally there is Tilley who is a sprollie (springer x colllie). She is very clever, full of energy and the only one who has mastered house training. I would love to get a rottweiler but I'm not sure our house can fit another dog.
My other half works full time but, as with most people in Devon, is on a low wage. I don't work due to being disabled and my step daughter having special needs.
I wont bore you with any more for now. Feel free to ask questions tho :)
TTFN
K
We live in a village in Devon. Our nearest town (more like a large village!) is a 20 minute drive away and city is an hour away. We are quite remote and we love it! Our house is social housing as we could never afford to buy and I think we are very lucky to be out of the expensive private rental market.
We have 3 dogs who we adore. There is Winston the rescued chihuahua who is by far the grumpiest and most stubborn dog I have every met. Then Caramel the chug (chihuahua x pug) who was the runt of the litter and is sooooooo dim! Finally there is Tilley who is a sprollie (springer x colllie). She is very clever, full of energy and the only one who has mastered house training. I would love to get a rottweiler but I'm not sure our house can fit another dog.
My other half works full time but, as with most people in Devon, is on a low wage. I don't work due to being disabled and my step daughter having special needs.
I wont bore you with any more for now. Feel free to ask questions tho :)
TTFN
K
Sunday, 8 October 2017
Me and My Blog
Hi! Welcome to my blog. Its lovely of you to drop by. So this first post is just a little about why I started this, and why I chose the name!
Despite the name, I'm not an overly negative person. Its meant as a tongue in cheek type way. That said, there have been times when there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure I will tell you more about that as time goes on.
I have thought about writing a blog for such a long time. I have even started a few. But they didn't work because I tried to do what 'they' (internet experts) told me to do rather than what I felt like doing. So this time I am ignoring 'them'. There will be no fixed subject matter, I will write about whatever I want and I will review whatever I want. My life is complex, just like most other peoples, so I want to be able to tell you all about it. My hope is that 1. it gets it out of my head so I can sleep at night (I am typing this at 3.52am) and 2. it may help someone else in even the most smallest of ways.
If you want to know more about me, my family and daily life then pop over to my about me page. Oh and I have very little experience in designing blogs so bear with me please :)
TTFN
K
Despite the name, I'm not an overly negative person. Its meant as a tongue in cheek type way. That said, there have been times when there was no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure I will tell you more about that as time goes on.
I have thought about writing a blog for such a long time. I have even started a few. But they didn't work because I tried to do what 'they' (internet experts) told me to do rather than what I felt like doing. So this time I am ignoring 'them'. There will be no fixed subject matter, I will write about whatever I want and I will review whatever I want. My life is complex, just like most other peoples, so I want to be able to tell you all about it. My hope is that 1. it gets it out of my head so I can sleep at night (I am typing this at 3.52am) and 2. it may help someone else in even the most smallest of ways.
If you want to know more about me, my family and daily life then pop over to my about me page. Oh and I have very little experience in designing blogs so bear with me please :)
TTFN
K
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